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“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
- Rumi

Self examination and being present are two of the main keys to attracting what you want, whether you are interested in a long term relationship, “friends with benefits,” or a basically physical relationship. Loving ourselves is always at the root of how we live our lives and what we get out of it. Most of us are seeking a love relationship of some type. These three steps help us clarify what we need to do in order to live the life we truly want and deserve.

1.Examine your Expectations – Unrealistic expectations, whether you are dating or in a relationship can be damaging and potentially destroy transforming your love life and attracting a life full of love. This is especially true if these are unexpressed expectations. We presume the other person can somehow read our minds (although most of us don’t admit it). We expect others to do all sorts of things for us, love us in certain ways, express their feelings in certain ways, help you more, on and on, etc., etc. Is this realistic? Does this make your love life easier or more filled with angst, anxiety and frustration? More importantly, what does this say about you? The best way to manage our basically unrealistic and unproductive expectations is to become aware that we have them and once we become conscious of this, LET GO OF THEM… even if we have to do this one day at a time. We must consider that the other person is not responsible in any way for our expectations. It is our responsibility to meet our own needs without the burden of expecting someone else to. As we bring this to consciousness and to a more positive state of mind, we have the potential to transform our love relationships into successful ones where each person is responsible for their own happiness, and where we truly love ourselves and the other… honestly, fearlessly and in an emotionally mature manner.

2.Be Present – Most of us bring unresolved childhood issues with us into adulthood. Along with this “baggage,” many of us bring the baggage from past unsatisfactory, hurtful or harmful relationships. This is something most of us are “guilty” of. Most of us tend to not see what is actually right in front of us (that is especially including ourselves as we truly are) but see through the eyes of past pain and feel with a heart full of past hurt and disappointment. This binds us to a past that no longer exists and to a future that will most likely be a repeat of past mistakes. It is only by remembering that “that was then and this is now” that we can see what is truly happening in the present. For example, in a past relationship, someone continually broke dates. In your present situation, the person you are dating or in a relationship with calls at the last minute and says they have to break the date. What happens? Usually you instantly feel that same old fear and anxiety, rather than seeing if this is a once in a while thing… or if this is part of your pattern of dating the same type of person. Try taking some deep breaths… make other plans… stay present and see what happens. If you stay present you can assess what is actually occurring rather than reacting to the past that no longer exists. Without staying present, we are at the mercy of… the same old, same old. Now is the only time that actually is! Until and unless we understand and live this concept, we are merely walking in our own footsteps around and around in the same circle… getting nowhere fast.

3. The Law of Attraction and You – One of the basic premises of the Law of Attraction is that where your attention goes, so the energy flows. Your consciousness and your thoughts influence your world. If you look for the positive, you’ll find the positive. If you look for the negative… that’s what you’ll attract. How much fun it is to be the “victim” of other people, circumstances, life in general. How much easier it is to not take responsibility for your life, your choices, who you are and who you attract. You must ask yourself the question… do you want a real relationship with a real person or do you want a relationship with resentment, victimhood, anger and fear. If that’s what you want, that’s what you will get over and over again. It keeps you stuck in the same old pattern. And that’s not what we’re about. What we’re truly about is cleaning up the putrid flow of negative thoughts and attitudes about yourself and others.

Embrace this as a discipline, as a new choice in life, as a New You emerging like a caterpillar emerging from its chrysalis into a butterfly. By choosing different thoughts and emotions, your relationships will reflect this change in consciousness. Like attracts Like. How we experience ourselves is a direct reflection of how we experience the outside world and our relationships. Just try this simple exercise. Every time you notice your attention going to something or someone you don’t want, notice this and redirect your thoughts. Again, this takes Practice and Patience. Be kind to yourself (another “new” concept!) Most of us have an entire lifetime of negative beliefs, thoughts and attitudes that we carry around with us like useless baggage that we’ve simply gotten used to and don’t even notice anymore. With practice, patience and commitment to yourself and your own Transformation process, you will experience positive, life changing, permanent change. There is also the potential to gain invaluable insights into yourself, life itself and the ability to create the Love Life you truly deserve. As Wayne Dyer says: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change!” Choose your Reality! You CAN do it!

The hardest and most important part of any negotiation is knowing when to walk away.

Few things are sweeter than a successful negotiation session where both parties leave the table with a winning solution. That’s because the stakes are high: Negotiate too hard and you lose the deal; be too timid and you may not get what you want.

The three most important concerns in any negotiation are the relationship, the risk, and the value–the real decision criteria underlying any future business transactions. So whether you’re negotiating a salary increase with your board or a contract with a vendor, before beginning the process it’s critical for you to cross three essential mental bridges:

1. Clarify the relationship. “What is the current real and perceived business and personal relationship, and what is its true value to my credit union’s future?” Far too often people hold on to the past not realizing that they need to let go to be free to reach out for something better.

Carefully consider what could be lost in this negotiation, but also what new doors may open should there be successful negotiation. Too many business leaders continue with existing relationships beyond their prime simply because it’s easier and more comfortable than striking out to develop a new relationship that better suits their organization’s future.

2. Clearly structure the outcome both parties desire. Very often, people enter a negotiation with the drive to win, but they never commit to paper beforehand precisely what that means. Yes, they have a general idea (to place the contract at the best price or cost); however, they haven’t defined the optimal combination of price/cost and all other terms that reflect both parties’ best long-term interests.

Identify what it will take for all parties to believe they’ve been treated fairly. Outlining what each party should view as a “great deal” often leads to the optimum win-win agreement. After all, negotiating is merely a more formalized variation of common marketplace bartering. It’s all about give and take and each party’s perceptions of value. You offer. They counter. You respond. And so it goes.

3. Determine your walk-away point. The hardest and most important part of any negotiation is knowing when to walk away. Decide when you’ll walk away from the deal before the negotiation process, because it’s difficult to identify it in the heat of the negotiation.

It’s important to approach your walk away point calmly, as negotiators truly need to understand what each side requires to make it a “great win-win” agreement. Then, if the other side becomes unreasonable and prevents your desired outcome from happening, weigh the predetermined value you placed on the relationship as well as ask the question, “Do we really have a mutual relationship or merely one party taking undue advantage of the other?”

Once you’ve laid out the previous three steps you can begin negotiation, realizing that at times the process requires the patience and confidence to be still. For example, if the other party precipitates a long silence then wait, say nothing, and let the other party break the silence.

While it’s important to hold out firmly for your high priority/risk issues, holding out for a lost cause isn’t in your best interest. Know when to give in on a point. If it’s not a walk away issue, then concede and negotiate onward.
Most important, realize when you’re approaching the walk away point. That will help you try and steer the negotiations away from falling unnecessarily into a downward spiral, where relationships deteriorate and from which it’s often impossible to recover.

Copyright 2005 by John Di Frances.